In this season, what have you been learning about God? Yourself?
I am realizing that I have a self-reliance issue. I am very self-reliant to the point where I subconsciously don’t trust the Lord. I have been doing a lot of listening prayer lately and having a lot of images coming into my head. It has been really cool to see things for friends, family and myself.
The theme of a horse keeps coming up for me. The image is of a horse putting on a bridle. What the Lord is trying to show me and teach me is that there is so much more freedom than trusting in Him than out in the wilderness.
So, I’ve been waking up each day asking “God what do you want me to say yes to today? And give me the courage to say yes today.”
During the past couple of weeks, I have been learning that a lot of my day-to-day unhappiness comes from comparing my life to others. It comes from operating from a place of “should” or “wish I could” and that when all of that is stripped away, I’m left with a deeper sense of contentment.
Let me explain.
As primarily a stay at home mom of a one year old and a two year old, my life really does not look too different from “quarantine life.” I say that with hesitation because I know that is a privileged perspective and I do not want to make light of those who have had their world flipped upside down. But, my reality is, in “normal life” I spend most days at home with our two little boys. We make trips to the grocery store if we REALLY have to - our boys despise the car and it’s a modern day battle to get them in and out of their carseats, my primary communication with friends is done over text and I spend hours trying to come up with new ways to entertain two mobile and highly energetic boys. And to be honest, on any typical week you will likely find me struggling before The Lord with feelings of resentment, bitterness and unhappiness. What is interesting is that I’ll feel all of those feels while simultaneously feeling grateful to be able to be at home raising two little warriors. These mixed emotions mostly just lead me to feeling confused about what my life “should” look like, feeling envious of the opportunities others have outside of the home and a whole lot of mom guilt - don’t even get me started on the mom guilt.
However, I cannot help but notice that something has changed the past two weeks. With everyone else ordered to be at home, I do not feel the nagging resentment, bitterness and unhappiness anymore. My husband is home. My friends are at home. People with or without careers or toddlers are all at home. I don’t feel the bitterness or the FOMO. And it’s been deeply freeing in a lot of ways. I’m learning that the solution here isn’t to make everyone stay home forever with me but that I need to stop comparing my life to others. Why is it that I feel so content being home with the boys when I know everyone is in my same boat? Why does what everyone else is doing dictate the amount of joy I feel in the season of life I am in? The Lord has been telling me that it is largely because I’m operating out of comparison - the thief of joy. I deeply desire to stop living in a place of comparison and to let my sense of purpose and joy come from The Lord, knowing that He has me right where He wants me.
With all of this, I’m learning that The Lord sees me. That He is omnipresent. He is with me at home - whether or not anyone else is - and there is joy to be found in His presence.