As I have struggled with fear this week, I have learned it is not a place I want to be. I was embarrassed that I was afraid, and often found myself with guilt and shame in addition to fear. Through wrestling this week I realize I need to be kind to my humanity and others in this unprecedented time.
What has been my lifeline has been increasing the frequency and intensity of my “looking up” at Him and finding my rest in Him.
What that looked like practically was realizing my fear was based in a belief I would not have acknowledged to be true until I did some honest self reflection. As I worked to discover where I thought God was not “enough,” I discovered my belief was “God was not big enough to protect me and my family from the virus in all the forms it might wreck havoc.” I realized I didn’t trust that He could protect me. As I admitted my unbelief, I felt Him say, “I’ve got this. I am in control.” Control was at the root of my issue, again. So now whenever I feel any “chemistry” in me, any anxiety, fear, disruption of peace that my adrenaline is warning me about, I work to look up. I try to throw down my attempts to control and declare,“In you whom I trust” (Psalm 91:2) and nestle in close to Him in my mind. This entire Psalm is an invitation to upgrade our rest and trust in Him. This has happened many times an hour!
I still don’t know that I can honestly say I believe my family will be protected from all forms of the virus. In fact I know that won’t be true. We will all suffer in some way, but I believe we will all be different and better. I believe we will be more in touch with what matters to us, more in touch with our God, ourselves and those we love. I also believe through this we will experience greater connection to humanity. I am ready to be with Him in this season with an open heart.
-Anne L.